On Desirelessness

Dear Daddy,


I had been intending to organize my thoughts on desirelessness, so I thought I would do it in a letter to you. I think that the problem that we westerners have with this idea is that we have a tendency to equate it with apathy. As I understand it, that is not at all what it is supposed to mean. All of the books that I have studied on the Yoga Sutras (which are Hindu-oriented as you said) have been filled with pages and pages of aspirations toward goodness and perfection "as your father in heaven is perfect". They are filled with resolution and steps toward getting in touch with yourself as spirit, getting in line with God's plan, understanding your part, getting over obstacles that keep you from being who you mean to be, and getting on with the thoughts and actions that put you in rapport and communion with God and His work. Sounds far from apathetic to me! Yet desirelessness seem to be integral to the process and therefore worth looking into and trying to grasp what is meant by it.


It seems to have to do with balance and stillness. A "Be still and know that I am God" kind of thing. There is a metaphor about how the "emotional body" is like a body of water. When it is still it is very clear and all that is "above" it can be reflected with great clarity and beauty on its surface. But when it is agitated by a movement of some kind, the surface becomes clouded and the reflection is distorted and less comprehensible. Desire seems to be something like the wind that blows across the water and disrupts its ability to reflect with purity and clarity. The "picture from above" is lost in the ripples, and the surface of the water takes on the characteristics of the waves themselves instead of the reflection.


This seems to be a good analogy when we think of our thoughts and feelings as waves of energy. What if all of life and perception is really vibration or energy of one kind or another. "In the beginning was the Word...and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men."--both sound and light are vibration or a form of energy, and Einstein proved that matter and energy are the same in different form. Obviously we affect and even control the energy that is available to us through our thoughts and feelings, and our perception of reality and our health are literally molded or "shrouded" or "colored" by them. I think the idea of desirelessness has to do with the idea that if the "currents" of the thoughts and emotions were still, then the "reflection of God" that we are meant to be would be clearer, purer, and more "present with us."


When we desire something, there is movement, and a sense that everything that we need is not already present.( And then there is the idea that all of what we think are our "needs" are really distortions of our need for God anyway.) Whether what we desire is "good" or "bad", it still sets up a distortion and the "surface of the water takes on the characteristics of the waves instead of the reflection."


This is certainly not to say that we shouldn't think or feel, but I think maybe it has to do with the idea that if we are receptive enough that higher, more perceptive thoughts and feelings will have an opportunity to filter down into our lives from God that otherwise would go unnoticed if we were caught up in our desire currents. And then the water will be able to reflect and catch the glimmer of those. The still, small voice (also referred to as the Voice of the Silence) is all to often lost in the clamor of our desires, and all the games we play to fulfill them.


This is so disgustingly clear and illustrated by my Christmas holidays. The "things" that I desired were not bad. I wanted happy family time with the boys, help and companionship from Jim, and some sort of a religious experience for them and for me. But the more I wanted it, the more they rebelled and resisted or were oblivious. I let the currents of those unfulfilled desires make me depressed and disillusioned and keep me from really perceiving anything of value for days. As soon as I let go of it and got on with life I was fine, but I wasted much of my holiday in the process. I hope that I can remember to be more "desireless" this year.


I think it has to do with balance, and peace with where we are. We realize that we are not perfect, yet we trust God and with all the comings and goings and cycles and evolutions. We do the next thing in faith and with whatever insight we have. None of this is alien to you or your beliefs. I have heard you say it all before, but perhaps the semantics just got in the way. It seems perhaps to mean the same things. It also smells of the same fragrance as dethroning oneself to let God and God's "currents" take over one's life, and that surely has a familiar ring.


Anyway, I have been reading "The Fire Within" to see how I might be able to relate and find some commonalties that reach beyond the semantics of it. Amazingly enough, they were there... but that's a different letter. Love to you both, and to Grandmama.


Love, Lisa
(January 22, 1994)